I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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