eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
