You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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