You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
