So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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