If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
