My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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