I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
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She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
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That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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