I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
