She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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