Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
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If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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