Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
