I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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