stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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