im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
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