SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
