Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
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I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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