i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
