I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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