Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
