I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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