you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
