My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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