They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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