I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
