just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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