dude i'm inner monologue high
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
