Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
