You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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