there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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