You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
