her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My cat gives me a boner
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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