Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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