bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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