you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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