sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.