why didn't you poke me back
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
