i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
