I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
