she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He felt like a one man threesome
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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