Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
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