I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
