This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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