Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
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Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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