he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
thus making me awesome and them whores
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
