Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
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