Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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