Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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