dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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