I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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