i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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