I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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