Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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