He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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