You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
