Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
