You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
